So even before birth, as soon as life begins, you start eating. And when you're growing up, you eat more as someone else works to feed you. Soon it's up to you to physically take care of yourself. When your food is all finished, you work so you can get more food. Then work tires you out and you need food for energy. So you can work again. To get food again. To stay alive. The story of survival.
The last few days were tiring. Not enough sleep. At least two or three jobs a day (not a complaint; I love my work). And I overate at lunch cos I didn't like to waste food. (I remember starving once cos I had no money to buy any food and I had to pay rent. Yes those were my foolish days. I do hope I'm wiser. Haha, I suppose I'm not wise enought to KNOW if I am. Yet just wise enough to recognise that fact. Anyway...) I felt so full, heavy, sleepy and sick after that, that throwing up was the only way to feel better but I refused to let that precious food go. So I drank a little tea, water, wine... and after 7 hours, I finally felt normal again. But then again, what's normal anyhow? Have I ever been? Is there such a thing or is "normal" man-made, man-decided?
So I feel that work is similar to food. Good in moderation, too much at once is overwhelming. None and you're starving. And both are time sensitive. Is that why so many like money? Cos you can save it for a rainy day?
I think I've been saving other things. Like good times and good food (if you know me, you know what I mean). I put money aside for my necessities which mainly are my family and home. I try to save for my future but it is too uncertain to count on. If I ever have kids then I definitely will. I don't even know when the end of the world is. I feel that nothing lasts forever and you, or rather I (in case God's reading this, hi God!), cannot control anything in life or the world except for two things. How I feel and how I behave.
I don't need a lot to be happy. Just a sense of peace and kindness from within and around me. But around me is a big space. I feel sad for strangers if I see something unpleasant happening to them. I want to do something to help, sometimes I try, sometimes I wish. And I feel unhappy about injustices around the world, like Aung San Suu Kyi's plight (she DIDN'T breach her house arrest, she didn't swim away from her house!!), honour killings, war, tobacco companies, pharmaceuticals whose main aim is making money; and that's not all. Yes I cannot control any of that but I hope to be able to contribute towards a better, more just future. Somehow. *scratches head*
So yes, I just would love peace and kindness in the whole world. Since I live in this world, how can I ignore it? For now, at least I can achieve something within myself. But it's an interesting relationship too. There's somehow always enough peace within me even if I feel unsettled. There is never enough kindness within no matter how much I feel I've given or done (someone said it's Catholic guilt, haha. God, are you still reading?). I don't calculate so I go by a feeling. I'm too lazy to calculate and I feel calculating won't be sincere anyway. Ok fine. I'm lazy!
But what I love about these two is simply that each radiates and builds upon itself. It's just the intensity and direction that are different each time. A gecko feeling peace reminds me of my own intrinsic peace within. A kind person I meet reminds me of the intrinsic kindness I am capable of, whether or not I am kind. I think everyone is kind but sometimes other qualities, conditions and desires muffle their kindness, but it's still there. They just have to listen to it. And they can choose how they feel and behave.
And I like to think these two contribute greatly to love. Perhaps these two are results of love as well. Or they are love by other names. What do you think? I feel that people don't last forever, as food and work don't, but kindness, peace and love will last beyond their human presence and physical existence.
I guess I was thinking of body (food, work, survival), mind (feel, behave, choose) and soul (peace, kindness, love). Now my tummy growls... I'm hungry again. I have to find lunch.
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