Be A Friend

So she was going on and on about her friends. Or her ex friends.

She was so lost in her own complaints, that I tried to get her to step outside herself for just a few seconds so she can see that the people she was ranting about were probably sleeping or having a peaceful night while here she was, unhappy and unable to sleep because of her unpleasant feelings about them. I asked softly, "Do you see you're doing this to yourself love?" She claims she is so angry and is done with them. I told her perhaps she wasn't and just has frustration and concern for them now. Frustration since she is trying to figure out why they act the way they do (and why they can't behave the way she thinks they SHOULD). And concern or else she wouldn't even bother about them.

She thinks she wants to teach them things since she feels they are immature in their thoughts and behaviour. And she was also expecting to absorb some useful learning from them. She always has expectations of everyone and I remind her that maturity and wisdom are often developed, not by age but by experiences (my humble opinion). And that we are always learning and becoming wiser and more mature as we live.

At 16 everyone thinks they are grown up and at 21 you realise you were such a young punk 5 years before and you think you're really an adult now. But at 35 you look back and wonder how you ever deluded yourself into thinking such self-righteous, self-praising thoughts at 21 and that yes, now you're really mature and can pass on that knowledge. But at around 50 you're going to mellow and see how you were still learning and not mature enough to give completely wise advice (especially to those who didn't ask for it). And perhaps by then you'll understand that you're always a student and life all around teaches you, if you are open to receive. Maybe only then will a deeper (or higher) level of maturity and wisdom (and perhaps awareness) truly develop with no end point. By then you're probably just mature and wise enough to not claim you are.

I was telling her I think she should try not to be their teacher. Instead, be a friend. A teacher puts pressure on herself and the students. A friend accepts and supports. She says she will not sugarcoat or cushion her words when trying to help her friends, though I think cushioning is kind and gentle, yet still sincere and honest. I also feel advice shouldn't be dispensed unless it has been asked for, which shows one doesn't assume so quickly, and shows one's respect for a person's space for privacy and growth as well. So instead of observing, judging and controlling, it may be better to listen and respond. In all relationships, listening is important and I think sometimes it is easy for one to forget that.

When I have mischievious kids in acting classes who can sometimes be restless, disruptive, negative, rude or naughty, I try to help them step back and see what they are doing. As gently as I can. They most likely do not see any wrong in their actions so a strict or punishing tone will only fortify their defenses. I bend down, touch them and ask them why they'd hit another child. If they'd do that to their best friend, to their mom, or if they'd like it if it were done to them. I simply try to instil empathy. If they can only try to see things from another's point of view then they might start being the kind-hearted kids they naturally are. And I just have them pinky promise me that they will try, just try. That promise isn't exactly to me, but to themselves. So they take responsibility for their actions.

Perhaps that is what life is about. Seeing things from someone else's point of view. I think that is what acting is about. I play a villain's sidekick in a French TV series and when people on set exclaim, "Wow you're so evil!", I simply reply, "She really has her reasons and believes in her boss's work for the greater good. Can you really blame her?" Of course the character takes it too far without seeing things from her victim's point of view. A choice, subconscious or not, by the character.

I think we all have choices. And we can choose to care more about the people around us. The ones we call friends. The ones we criticise. We can choose to see things from their points of view. Not only will we be less frustrated with their "unexplainable immature actions", but we may understand them and their plights a little more, as well as learn more about life and ourselves.

She is finally asleep now. Boy oh boy, life doesn't need to be so difficult. We just want to be happy, don't we? Then we can choose that! Choose positivity. Choose to give and not expect. Choose to smile and forgive. If we choose to listen and be receptive (I'm trying!), we can all discover that we have the capacity to love, to care, to learn. So choose that.

Well, all this is only what I think and feel. And I, myself... still has a lot to learn.